Archive for the ‘life’ Category

This week we’ve been walking through Palmer’s Rules for dating. I began with the need to be clear and then moved on to The SoulMate Myth. I realize that The Rules, and the idea that there are any rules seems like they diminish romance, curtail chemistry, and remove spontaneity. That is one way to look at. I prefer to see the rules as practical steps and decisions, gleaned from the successes and failures of others, that will lead you to the person with which you can maximize romance, chemistry and spontaneity. While thinking and practicing The Rules, it won’t always feel romantic. Somewhere in inside you, you want a movie-style romance. But, in truth, those movies are a kind of emotional pornography; unrealistic, sensational, and intended for emotional gratification rather than lasting value. We see these emotional pornography in the oft-suggested notion in movies that one you find your partner or soul-mate that that person will somehow “complete you.”

You seen it in movies, and it was famously stated in one in particular. The “complete” narrative goes like this:

Someone is somewhat happy but there is something lacking in their life. Through a confluence of events they meet someone they think they want to spend forever with. Some obstacle to their love is introduced or highlighted and then the obstacle is overcome allowing the couple to “live happily ever after.” The hole that existed in their lives has now been filled; everyone has a new lease on life and all will be well.

But have you ever thought about all of the poor assumptions wrapped up in that narrative? Let’s ask some questions:

  1. What If You’re Happy Already? Where is it written that singleness is a curse and should be avoided? As a matter of fact, the Apostle Paul directs us in the opposite direction. Not everyone should be married, which, if the Bible is to be believed, suggest that you don’t need someone to “complete you” whether you get married or not. Truth is, only God can complete you — something the Ecclesiates writer discovers after trying absolutely EVERYTHING else!
  2. How Poorly Do You Think About Yourself? The idea that there is another person that has the ability to “complete” you means that you somehow see yourself as incomplete. That’s an awful lot of power and dependence to give to another person. What happens to your sense of self if, God forbid, your completer dies early? And what happens if your competer strongly disagrees with you about something major? If you allow someone to complete you, you will always be dependent. Once a teenage girl told me about how important it was for a girl to have a boyfriend to feel good about herself. She got pregnant her senior year in high school. The guy split and her life was altered in a way, if thinking clearly, she would not have chosen.
  3. How Poorly Do You Think of God? If the Biblical narrative is true, one of the recurring themes is that God alone is enough. Enough for salvation, enough for sustained growth and relational intimacy; God is just enough and to live otherwise is a denial of that truth. Of course there is a relational component, people need other people, yet it is the spark of God in one another, His image, to borrow the language of Genesis. If You need someone other than God to complete you, you may be granting a person god-like power. As far as I can tell, this is idolatry.
The bottom line is simple: Another person cannot complete you. They really can’t even come close and it’s inappropriate for you to ask hem to. You’re putting extreme pressure on your relationship and marriage when you approach it that way. And trust me, there’s enough pressure in married life – money, kids, not having kids when you want them, time, sex, etc… – that you don’t need a serving of idolatry on the side.
He or she won’t complete you. Either you’ll be made whole through a redemptive relationship with God or you’ll reject that relationship. There’s no other path to wholeness.
Advertisements
I’ve loved watching the NBA Playoffs this season. Since the San Antonio Spurs are old and out of it, I don’t really have a dog in this fight, but it’s been fun to watch. In particular, watching the Mavs defeat the Thunder and the Heat beat Chicago has been constructive  for leadership learnings and the challenges young leaders face.

In both conference finals, the more experienced, veteran team won. Obviously, in the world of sports, there gets to be a moment when an athlete or team becomes too old, but that isn’t the case with Dirk’s Mavericks and LeBron’s Heat. They are in – or very close to – their prime, while the teams they beat are simply, well, too young.

Over the last 30 years, no team has won the NBA Championship with a avergage age under 26. The average age of the Oklahoma City Thunder? 23. The average age of the Chicago Bulls is 27.2, but their star, Derrick Rose, is 23. These team’s leaders are too young to win! Though both teams have great futures, we saw in the playoffs the challenges all young leaders face, regardless of their field of play.

Here’s how young leaders struggle:
  1. Wanting to Be Liked! Young (and new) leaders want to be liked by their collegues. They don’t know where the boundaries are yet, and even when they’re far more talented, it takes a while to become as assertive as you need to be in order to lead with success. Through the playoffs, we didn’t say Derrick Rose or Kevin Durant get in the face of their teammates. When the series was on the line against the Mavs, in the closing seconds, Durant didn’t have the ball! Could you imagine Jordan, Kareem, or Bird doing that? No! They set the expectations for thier team. If you didn’t meet the expectations, you paid the consequences. Leaders have to hold the team accountable for the goal, which means you won’t always be liked. And yes, sometimes this means asking the owner and/or GM to get rid of a player, who though talented, doesn’t show up in shape to play (think Kobe and Shaq).
  2. Seeking Help. One of the pitfalls of being talented is the illusion that you can do it alone. What the playoffs revealed is that no one besides Durant and Rose could be counted on when the game was on the line. Say what you will about Lebron, but he knew he couldn’t get past the Celtics on his own. He knew he needed help! Young and new leaders are slow to ask for help. If you feel that you’re sputtering as a leader, look around at your help. Is it the right help? If not, you might consider taking your talents to South Beach or going out and getting what you need.
  3. Seizing Opportunity. Both Dirk and Lebron have been to the NBA Finals before and come up short. You can see it in the urgency with which they are playing. Young leaders think that they have more time than they actually do; that they’ll make it back. Not true! The opportunity you’re looking at right now may never come around again. Ask Dan Marino about that. When you get an opportunity, you gotta grab it.
  4. Demanding the Ball. As I mentioned above, in the closing seconds of Game 5, Kevin Durant, didn’t have the ball. That’s inexcusable! Real leaders want the ball; they accept the responsibility and shoulder the load. Weak leaders blame others. This doesn’t mean that you distrust your teammates, it means that when it’s on the line, you have confidence that God has shaped you for this moment, for this stage and you know you can deliver. In games 4 and 5, Dirk was quiet for much of the game, but in the closing moments, he demanded the ball and delivered.
New and young leaders are perhaps in one of the best positions they’ll ever be. If that’s you, use it, develop it, and grow from it. Your team is counting on you!

As we explore the basics instincts (though not uniform beliefs) of Anabaptists, let’s pause for a moment to talk a little bit about the Schlietheim Confession and what it says about Anabaptists. During the Reformation and the Radical Reformation, three streams of Anabaptist believers came together in Switzerland to concretize a central set of beliefs and practices; practices which largely distinguished the Swiss Brethren (the other, non-pejorative name for Anabaptists) from the Reformers and the Catholic Church.

Among the items discussed were Baptism (to be administered to those who have chosen baptism for themselves); The Oath; The Sword; The Ban; Eucharist; piety and the role of Pastors. Having discussed baptism, we move on to The Oath.

The conversation regarding “The Oath” in Anabaptist traditions is simple: No oaths should be taken! While this has not historically included an orthodox confession of faith; “Jesus is Lord,” it has, to some degree or another included nearly every other oath imaginable – including the Apostle’s Creed, and, for some, oaths of office and giving civic testimony. There were two dominant reasons for the prohibition against oath-taking in Switzerland. For one, Anabaptists were reacting (rightly or wrongly) to a Catholic Church that insisted all kinds of oaths and verbal commitments and believed the Reformers intent to continue taking oaths to be a half-measures. The early Swiss Brethren, did not see this cacophony of oaths in the scriptures, and did not feel they were appropriate for Christians. Second, Anabaptists took literally Jesus’ command to assuage oath-taking (Matthew 5.34).

How Anabaptists determined what to do about oath taking reveals a significant theme in the religious life of Anabaptists. That theme is one of reading the scriptures free of traditionalism. While there are some difficulties in approaching the biblical text this way, the benefits, it seems, outweigh the deficits. Both the Catholic and the Reformed Tradition  in the 16th Century, as they do today, read the biblical text through the lens of the tradition itself. They are concerned with and give privilege to what others inside the tradition have written and said before (yes, I know this is an oversimplification). Anabaptists feel no compulsion to do so. While what Popes,  Martin Luther, John Calvin or Martin Lloyd Jones said about an issue might be good — or even right — Anabaptists do not appeal to them as being authoritative. Though most Christians do not think they read the Bible through a traditionist lens, Anabaptists have enshrined the value. Therefore, when a traditional belief or practice is questioned (take the traditional understanding of hell, for example), Anabaptists don’t feel a need to protect it, and would never refer to the “teaching of the church.”

Many times, new Christians or church members ask me, “What does your church believe about _______?” Typically my response goes something like this, “Well, people in our church believe a variety of things about ________.” This, I find, leaves people feeling dissatisfied. And many pastors, teachers and Christians within other traditions find this unbelievable. But nearly always, the questions people ask regard something non-essential, i.e. “Is this a Republican or Democrat church…?”

Anabaptists have always believed that thoughtful, spiritual people can come to their own conclusions about non-essential matters and, more importantly, we can lovingly coexists in disagreement. At the root of this is something many contemporary Christians refuse to believe: On some issues the Bible isn’t necessarily all that clear. In response, Anabaptists seek charity is non-essentials, which can only be done when believers rightly understand the place of tradition.

It is right and good to know what others have said and thought concerning the scriptures. These men and women should be both living and dead. The present moment is not privileged in BIble reading; we need to reflect upon and learn from our sisters and brothers. At the same time, Anabaptists know that God still speaks a fresh word, free from the constraints of other and older interpretations whose age or prominence does not necessarily equate to rightness.

Today is Valentine’s Day, and I’m one of the very fortunate and blessed people who have many people to love. My wife, my daughters, my church and family and friends throughout the country. These people are dearer to me than my own life.

And, likely, you have people like that in your life too.

You have people whom you cherish; folks you’d trade your life for. And even though Valentine’s Day is the most fabricated pseudo-holiday we celebrate, it’s never a bad idea to let the people you love know that you love them. So make a point today to say “I love you” to those people.

But I want to give us (the Christians who visit this space) a moment of pause. Why? Because those of us who follow the teachings of Jesus are called not only to love the ones we love, we are also called to love those we might be inclined to hate.

Jesus, in one of the clearest teachings in scripture, tells us, “You have heard it said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy,’ but I say ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.'” Instruction in righteousness doesn’t get any more perspicuous than that. “Love your enemies.” There. Done. Over. Got it?

Jesus is telling us what we already know: Anybody can love the people they love and hate their enemies, but it takes someone with God on the inside to cut against the grain and love those they would otherwise hate. Even though Jesus is giving us a command, most of us treat it like it’s a nice idea that might be good to get around to…someday!

That’s why, some of our supposed American Christian leaders exhort the church to repeal and replace this basic tenet of Jesus’ to love both our neighbor and our enemy. Terrorists, secularists, those on the “other side” of politics, culture, religion and sexuality are objects to be hated and defeated, rather than the destination of God’s in-breaking love for the world flowing through his church.

In a strange way, these leaders are right in their pronouncements concerning the threat of secularization in America. Our country is becoming more secular; but the church may be leading the way! The failure to love our enemies leads away – not toward – the cross.

So what would a church look like that actually believed Jesus was giving a command when he said “Love your enemies”? Any ideas?

I’d love to hear them.

Sooner or later every leader will have to deal with someone – or a group of someone’s – who are reflexively oppositional. Most of us know what to look for, but if you don’t, here are a few profiles.

  • The person who is against every idea, sometimes even their own.
  • The person who when presented with a any idea, first tells you all the obstacles or hurdles involved.
  • The person who during the implementation phase of anything new determines, at the first glitch, that the entire program is unworkable.

I could give you more, but you get the idea. There are some folks, that no matter what, will react negatively to any and ever idea, proposal or change. In a certain way, these folks can be helpful. We all need people who can look down the road and help us avoid some of the pitfalls. But mostly, without redirection, the reflexively oppositional are a drain our emotions, progress, and morale. As a leader, you need to know that the reflexively oppositional exist; they will curtail and undercut any opportunities for growth and development and then ultimately blame the leader when things don’t get better. If one thing is true about the reflexively oppositional, it’s that nothing is ever their fault. Now that you know that, what should you do? Here are a few ideas:

  1. Teach! Believe it or not, many of the reflexively oppositional have never been taught to brainstorm and develop ideas. Find a conference or teacher that can help Negative Nellies how to brainstorm. In the short term, at your next meeting, ask your team to bring $20 in $1 bills and you bring a large bowl. During the brainstorming session, whenever someone says, “we can’t…” or “that won’t…” they have to put $1 into the bowl. After about 6-months use the money to do something fun with your staff or buy gifts.
  2. Redirect! I did this just this week. When a new idea or initiative is proposed, make sure that positive comments are shared. As my wife says, “Any dumb dog can tell you why something won’t work.” Ask your team to give you 5 positive and possibilities before they can say anything negative. When someone complains, stop them, and say, “Now tell me something positive about __________.” People aren’t wired to think this way, so we have to be constantly redirected. The people on your team that can’t ever be positive will learn that you’re not a worthwhile destination for the negative.
  3. Project. As a leader, you must focus on projecting the positive. Sit down with a journal or notebook and map out all the successes you and your team have had, then remind people of them. This past week, I sat down and listed the successes we’ve had in my brief time at Redwood Church – building renovation, incredible small group launch, Men’s Fraternity, reconnection with our mission point in Haiti, relaunched Women’s ministry, increased mid-week attendance,  etc…. These efforts required prayer, time and hard work. Don’t lose them to the archives of memory. Keep them close to inspire you and your team.
  4. Give it Over. Many of the reflexively oppositional are so because they feel they are never listened to or don’t have enough influence in the organization. Therefore, give it to them. Give them a large responsibility and the freedom to run with it. Many an oppositional worker has been humbled by the experience of having to lead and produce something from beginning to end. Handing over responsibility allows them to unleash their full potential. And you never know, they may be a lion of a leader who just needed an opportunity. For this to work, though, they have to be responsible for all aspects of a project. It’s easier to gripe when you’re only responsible for 6% of a project. Give it over.
  5. Hire Differently. The simple truth is that you don’t want to work with everyone, regardless of their competence or lack thereof. If you’re in an industry that requires innovation or if you’re a possibility thinker, you MUST surround yourself with the same kind of people. You’re looking for “What if…” people, not “We can’t people.” We can’t people have never innovated an industry, grown a market-share or otherwise changed the world. You don’t want them! During the hiring process ask outlandish questions and see what responses you get.

The Reflexively Oppositional will always be with us, it’s our challenge to manage them well. Many Debbie Downers are critical-thinkers that organizations need, but their comments and affect need to be harnesses. Hopefully, leaders can help one another out.

How do you handle the reflexively oppositional in your organization?

 

Parent-Teacher Conference

Posted: January 24, 2011 in life

Saw this video online, and just had to share. As the son of an educator and spouse of a former school therapist / counselor, I found this video spot-on. At root is a problem that many of us have; an inability to deal with the reality and truth of any given situation. When we don’t like the information, we simply move the discussion, failing to see the obvious inconsistencies of our own logic. Our culture is so wonderful at praising us, that we fly past the reality we are not all great at everything, and that some things in life – shock of all shock – are a matter or patience, working, and persistence. But you can’t do anything if you don’t first own up to the truth.

Anyway…enjoy!

…it’s time to get serious about transformation. You know you’ve waited long enough to transform whatever it is that you think you want transformed (and yes, I said “think you wanted” because if you really wanted it, you would be doing it already.)

Resolutions are weak! They fail because (1) they begin at the level of behavior, (2) are hastily made and typically cliche, and (3) are arbitrarily set. Yet many of us want to change and live healthier, more productive lives. Here’s how:

  1. Begin With Who NOT What. To sustain a change, you need to decide who it is you want to be; what you want others to think about you and say at your funeral. For instance, if I want to be a generous person, there are endless possibilities – time, money, talent, hospitality, credit. But if you simply want to give more money to charity, your decisions will be predicated by your bank statement. Plus, you have to seek out agencies to give to. Trust me, if you decide to live a generous life, it will transform all your interactions not just one.
  2. Structural Change. We are people of habit. If you want to lose weight this year (which is a bad resolution when compared to being healthy), you’re going to need to physically change  functions in your life. Where is the workout time going to come from? Where will you get the money for new shoes, workout clothes, a trainer, gym membership, or a treadmill? Who are you going to give permission to hold you accountable? What are you going to do with your kids while you workout? How are you going eat differently? Do you need to buy organic? Where will the money for healthier (and more expensive) food come from? If you don’t execute a structural change around your transformation, it will fail.
  3. Reward. You’re going to have to reward yourself – no one else will do it! If you’re looking to lose 40lbs, you’re going to have to celebrate losing 2lbs. This is what Chip and Dan Heath would describe as “shrinking the change.” Before you begin, you should determine when and how you will pat yourself on the back. Major changes take a long time, congratulating yourself along the way will help keep you motivated.
  4. Focus On The Good. It’s easy to quit something after you feel you’ve failed. However, that’s the wrong thing to do. Forgive yourself and start anew. Lamentations says the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. God’s willing to do it for you; do it for yourself. If you miss a deadline or going to the gym one week, just go back. And remind yourself that last year you weren’t going at all.
  5. Embrace The Spirit of Discipline. Of course, it’s going to take some discipline to get where you want to go, but often it’s not the discipline itself that thwarts us. We fail because we don’t understand the “spirit of disciplines.” The spirit of disciplines is that change comes from doing small, often boring things repetitiously and change is produced over time.  Whatever you’re doing is going to take time, become boring, and appear as if it’s not working. You must know this going in. If you don’t, the monotony will wear you down. Remember, the change only comes through the tediousness. When you’re bored, it’s beginning to work

Transformation can come for you, it just takes serious, focused effort over time. Go for it! I’m in your corner.